My friend David in Atlanta has been going through an absolutely horrible divorce for the last couple of years. I have watched him deal with issues I would not wish on any one (like not seeing his 5 kids in over a year).
He wrote this to me after his (almost) final court date – and I thought so much of it I asked permission to reprint here for you…
What he doesn’t say in this article is that he learned this from me! But that aside – congratulations Dave!
A number of people have recently been surprised at by response when they ask how I’m doing. I am wonderful; great; fantastic; fabulous… but they all expect me to say “hanging in there” as if only basically coping.
The forensic psychologist at my divorce case asked me how I was… and when I said “wonderful” he asked “why” in the most confused manner. My response, “you can try to fight a roller coaster or just ride and enjoy it… either way the coaster is doing what it wants to; they only difference is what you take away from the experience” floored him… “great way of looking at it” with a big smile.
So here is my observation:
When something really bad has occurred in ones life, many people seem to think they can only count themselves happy if they experience a greater-magnitude event in the positive… if you had been in a concentration camp, then winning the lottery might offset the bad with overall good… and you could say you were sum total, happy. These people seem to keep a running tally of happiness; basically counting the number-of-good versus number-of-bad of some reverse-yet-equal-magnitude happenings… a streak of awful events can be overcome by a greater number of similar-offset pleasant events… finding a dollar offsets losing one; having a girlfriend offsets having lost one; praise from your current employer offsets having been fired at your previous one; on and on.
Here’s an alternate way of looking at happiness “scoring”… the balance sheet. In business, one common form of performance evaluation is a snapshot of here-and-now, called a balance sheet… simplified, it means “what are the checking account balance and the credit card debt right now”. Nothing is said of “how you got in this state”, only that you are in the state right now… and you are sum total positive if your banks balance exceeds your debt level. Obviously, the past plays a role in what your current state is, but the events themselves don’t matter, only the lasting effect to that moment… so if you had a million dollar debt a year ago and fought yourself back to a mere thousand dollar debt today, all that shows is the thousand, not the million or where it went; if you had a million dollar balance and spent all but a thousand, all that shows is the thousand, not the million or where it went.
Well, you can do this with your life too… “how good do you feel today versus how bad do you feel today?” Note that your past plays into this “somehow”, but the parts that you have forgotten, and the parts you have learned to cope with, and the parts that you put aside… they no longer make you feel bad today… so as long as you feel better than that smaller, remaining amount (today), you can call yourself “happy”. It is like there’s a half-life to the radioactivity that is your past… and the only part you need to overcome on any day is the part that remains to that day. Note how different this is… you are happy once the “half-life decayed, partial bad that remains” is overcome with good… you do not have to experience a “big good” that equals and offsets a “big bad”, nor do you need a number of these events to bring your score to zero or better… you only need to do something “happy enough” to offset the “lingering pain” in your life; a much easier obstacle to overcome. And the better you get at putting “things that were” and “things that you cannot control” aside, the smaller the amount of “residual bad feeling” is that you need to out-do with “good” to be happy… the overall magnitude and/or number-of-occurrences of the bad events no longer dictate “what must occur for you to call it a good day”.
Just something to think about.
When I began writing articles and sending them out seven years ago, who would have thought there would be a thing called ‘blogging’ and a whole new world opening up of earning an income using a medium called the internet?
Just to be sure there is no misunderstanding here, I am not saying the internet is a where you can create income – it simply provides a new method of reaching clients and customers.
Four years ago, we bought a house and 10 acres outside Atlanta and set out to build a working horse farm. At the time our long term vision was a horse ranch in southern Colorado – sort of a ‘dude’ ranch for guests to visit the great outdoors, learn about themselves through programs we would offer.
So the ten acres was to be a pilot project. Could we build a horse ranch business? Would we like it? Was it feasible on a big scale?
Yes, we could build it. (You can visit us at www.highcountrystables.com)
Yes, we could make it work. We have been very successful. (Give huge credit to my wife, her personality and her love for horses.)
And yes, we are fairly sure it would be successful on a bigger scale.
But there is a small challenge. I love to sail. In sailboats we live on out in the ocean. And visit lots of places I have never been.
Plus our boys are growing up quickly. The oldest just turned 16. How much time before the fumes get him? (Car fumes and perfume)
I want him to know the sailing life before he goes, and I can sure use the help on a boat!
Which brings us back to the internet, this blog and the last seven years of articles.
I have invested a ton of time and energy into learing this thing called the internet. I have always been intrigued by the possibilities inherent in operating a business model that cares not where you are physically.
Like most things worth having, learning to create an income online is a huge challenge- but one well worth the work.
Changes are coming soon.
I love change!
Since writing the book BeDoHave about finding happiness several years ago, I have spent thousands of hours thinking about and in conversation with people about the subject of being happy.
What makes us happy, how do we become unhappy, how do we be happy when there is nothing to be happy about… that kind of stuff.
As a husband and father – (and therefore by default the provider) – many times happiness seems tied to my ability to fulfill these roles. In other words if the family is provided for and is happy – then I am happy.
If you have completed the “Definitions of Success” exercises (given away for signing up for the blog), then you know it is impossible to base success – or happiness on something out of your control. Nor do I believe we should base our happiness on others.
Four years ago we bought some expensive dirt outside Atlanta and proceeded to build a dream. (more…)
I wrote the book BeDoHave – The Cure the Great Unknown American Epidemic almost three years ago now. Thousands have heard the message contained within and have told me it works for them.
Over the winter I found myself falling back on Doing Having Being! And my life changed dramatically – for the worse!
Once I saw what I was doing and changed it back to Being first – it took a very short time to restore the equilibrium I need in my life. My energy returned, my happiness level soared back to previous level.
(Hang on – there is a point to this story!)
If you have read much of my articles over the last five years, you are aware Shelly and I built a sailboat to live on for six years. I loved it. We decided when our first son was 5 to come back from the Carribbean, sell the boat and make lots of money. (more…)
For me last week was one of those I am very happy to get out of! As I have said before, without knowing the challenges how can I know the rewards? Lots of rewards coming!
I have mentioned a project slowly working it’s way to you (started several years go) and I have some news on that front. (more…)
What a cool site on happiness! Here the authors have provided a great little short tutorial on happiness that is killer! (Excuse the terminolgy please)
I will post each of these here, but the link is
Energy (composition of our universe)
Metaphysicians and many people in the scientific world are now in some agreement over the composition of our universe, seeing it as a field of energy, a force field. On one level we perceive the many manifestations of form and differentiate between them, not seeing the underlying field common to them all. Seeing solidity of form, diamond, gold, etc., at one end of the spectrum, and thought, colour, towards the other. In fact they differ only in their rate of vibration i.e. the frequency at which they exist. The denser the material the lower its vibratory rate or frequency. Conversely, finer forms, i.e. colours, and thoughts are examples of successively higher rates of vibration.
Form is always preceded by a thought or idea, a building is first conceived in the mind of the architect. Manifestation at this frequency, i.e. a thought, is more easily changed than at lower rates of vibration, i.e. a rock. By consciously directing our thoughts we become an architect able to shape thought into the desired form. Affirmations provide us with powerful tools which we can use in this process.
Thoughts and feelings have certain vibratory rates about them which will attract thoughts of a similar wavelength. As an example; you might have been thinking about someone and shortly thereafter receive a phone call from that person. The energy of your thoughts has attracted a reciprocal wavelength. By holding positive thoughts of a loving nature we will attract into our life people and events to support our positive expectations. Affirmations are an excellent way to enhance this process.
This is clearly illustrated in the biblical advice ‘’…as you sow, so shall you reap.’’ When we make a conscious practice of this in a positive manner we will reap a harvest of like quality.
Energy – composition of our universe
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